Maybe she slipped and landed smatch-down on a piping hot duck.


In a vague attempt at proving this website actually has content, here's a quality article, chosen at random from our immense archives. Enjoy!

the colonpipes a comic of random randomness - now with added roughness

Thursday, March 16th, 2006   
My first two contributions are The Radioactive Boy Scout and The Further Adventures Of Mark Discordia over on

Feel free to contribute more such items on ze forum. Yes.

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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006   
I'm an idiot. I bought pirated Star Trek DVDs off Ebay. Read about them here. Not happy, Jan!

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Sunday, March 12th, 2006   
Dan, the talented fucker of a musician who hides somewhere behind the facade of this website, and several others that I'd gladly list and link to, but don't have handy, has released an album, which you can find here:


"[...]altogether a brilliant effort for the self-produced one-man-band kind of thing... Surprisingly good." - Mike Hanning, Throne Of Lies.

"Rid Of You just played at random off my playlist of 5,000 songs. Having listened to it again, I've come to the conclusion that it's too awesome and I fucking hate you. Yes." - Me, here.

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Friday, March 3rd, 2006   
Hello, dear reader. I need your help. Or your advice. Or your criticism. Or something.

I want to know what to do with this website. I suspect approximately four people read this website, and out of those four, three are obligated to refresh it occasionally out of friendship and the accurate knowledge that I'd cause them massive personal injury if they didn't. So I suspect that if this website were to disappear, not much would change in the world. However, rather than just rip it down, leaving a massive gaping wound in the surface of the internet, I figure I owe the masses a chance to speak. Assuming there are masses. Which there probably are not.

Anyhow. The question is this: "What should I do with". The answer is "whatever I like". I have some ideas. Allow me to expand on them.

1. Tear it limb from limb and leave it as a steaming, fetid lump on the surface of cyberspace.

2. Leave it here for posterity as an archive of whatever the hell this website contains. (Bearing in mind that does a pretty decent job of this, anyway.)

3. Keep the webspace, keep the forum, possibly ditch the ridiculous title and make use of the available web resources for projects such as C22, and various other questionable things.

4. Continue as is, with the entire website clearly smelling of something that's haphazardly updated on a biannual basis by someone that really can't be bothered anymore.

5. I dunno.

So yeah. I'm confused. I need advice. Someone tell me something I don't already know.

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Tuesday, February 7th, 2006   
Posted a small photo essay over here. Enjoy.

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Friday, February 3rd, 2006   
You've probably noticed that this website doesn't get updated much, anymore. This is because I'm really struggling to care about it. There are a number of reasons for this.

1. The removal of the comment system due to spam abuse means I don't get feedback on anything I write unless it's Pulitzer-winning prose, which a) I'm unlikely to write, let's face it, and b) I have no interest in writing due to the vicious cycle developing between the lack of comments and lack of posting of articles.

2. There haven't been any new, interesting drinks lately.

3. Various other things.

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Thursday, December 22nd, 2005   
Thanks to Battleliner for submitting a photo of a near-colonpipe trampoline he spotted in what appears to be a Walmart. Bouncy, bouncy.

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Monday, December 5th, 2005   
Here's a brief recap, for those Rip-Van-Winkles who slept through the past twelve months. In no particular order.

- Pope John Paul II died. Ultimately, no one cared. Most people were more curious about a) where the Popemobile ended up, and b) why his successor looks more like Emperor Palpatine than a potential figurehead for the most frightening organisation on the face of the Earth.

- gained an IRC channel, which flourished for about a month. Then, as everyone lost interest in it, and the various shell robots employed (at actual expense, mind you) to keep the channel occupied failed to do so, it died. The channel still "exists" at #colonpipe on EFnet, and you'll probably still find Jim and Knives haunting it.

- I went to Tasmania, in a fit of inexcusable stupidity. It was cold, and I learnt a few things that I really already knew. I did, however, get a chance to put my car on a boat, which was nice.

- I met up with Yahtzee of fame, and caught a screening of Doom, which sucked arse.

- I saw a UFO, which was awesome.

- I bought an iriver mp3 player, which is pretty sweet, although it looks like Darth Vader's Hello Kitty iPod.

- A huge gust of wind and a large amount of water obliterated a large chunk of the southern end of the USA. People died. Everyone abused the President for being a moron and not sending aid quicker. No one was really surprised, deep down.

All together, it's been a pretty fucking ordinary year.

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Thursday, November 17th, 2005   
Over the recent weekend, I had the opportunity to meet with Yahtzee from, and to watch the epic masterpiece of celluloid theater that masquerades as Doom.

Movies based on video games are rarely decent. Lets explore.

Super Mario Brothers.
The general concensus on the Super Mario Brothers movie is that it stands alone as a passable fantasy film, with unnecessary allusions to the Super Mario Brothers video games thrown in for no reason whatsoever. With the possible exception of "He's got a Bob-omb!", none of the video game references have even the slightest bearing on the plot.
Grade: C+.

Mortal Kombat.
I liked Mortal Kombat. For a few reasons. Bridgette Wilson in short shorts is one of them. Of all the video-game inspired movies to date, this one's probably the most accurate to the game, which is both a benefit and a downfall. Luckily, the backstory behind the Mortal Kombat games had a bit of beef to it, so there was actually something to build on, script-wise.
Also, this movie features virtually every major character from the game, has a reasonable sense of humour, and doesn't appear too cheesy.
Grade: A-.

Street Fighter.
Oh, fuck no.
Grade: D-.

Resident Evil / Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
Again, the redeeming quality of this movie is that you get to see Milla Jovovich's genitalia. Leaving the game connection out, it's a pretty ordinary zombie episode.
Grade: B.

House Of The Dead.
Oh, Christ. It has clips from the game in it. Possibly the worst movie ever made. Also, it's worth nothing that Uwe Boll is also in the process of cinematically destroying Alone In The Dark and Postal, too. Fuck him. Fuck him in his gaping anus.
Grade: Q.

The plot of Doom, the video game, basically consisted of "there're demons from hell on a space station, so marines go and kill them". Sadly, the plot of Doom, the movie, is the same. I'm vaguely tempted to write a scene-by-scene description of it, but seeing as ABSOLUTELY NO PLOT DEVELOPS, there's no point to doing so. However, here're a few notes:

- The Bio-Forge Gun.
The BFG. It's introduced into the film with all the subtlety of a housebrick. That'd be okay, perhaps, if it wasn't for The Rock's emotionless delivery of the line, "Big...fucking...gun". I want to stab the screenwriter.

- Dexter Fletcher.
In another attempt at crow-barring a well-known reference into the flick, Dexter (from Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, among other things) is Pinky. Pinky lost his bottom half in a bizarre transportation accident, and now has his anus miraculously welded to a Segway Scooter. WIthout giving away any massive plot spoilers, he mutates and becomes the pinky demon. Whee.

- Gun Cam.
The last 15 minutes of the film consist of purely random gun-cam violence. After our dopey marine hero is injected with antivenom..or venom..or whatever the hell it was, he's overcome by a violent rage that can only be assuaged by strapping the film camera to his gun and shooting everything in sight. It's so House Of The Dead it's unbearable.

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Friday, November 4th, 2005   
Added another exotic beverage review as hinted at yesterday. It's Pepsi Samba, and it tastes like shit. Enjoy!

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Thursday, November 3rd, 2005   
IRC has died. Links have been removed. For the moment, Bresnahan remains in cyber-limbo as I'm still paying for the shell account and can't be arsed to cancel it. And I wonder where all my money goes.

I have another new drink to review, but I can't be arsed to do that, either.

Mm, productive.

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Monday, October 17th, 2005   
Sir Dan of Natch has acquired, through gruesome corporate violence and the strategic use of a pumpkin, a radio station. It lives here and goes by the title of NatchCast. It also plugs directly into your iPod via steam and magic, and can dice carrots and celery.

Some of the above was a lie.

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Sunday, October 9th, 2005   

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Friday, October 7th, 2005   
I've removed the comments feature from this 'blog thing. Sorry. The spam was driving me nuts, and there's virtually nothing I can do about it with this 'blog software.

The links to comments have all been changed to "Comment on this in the forum!", so you're all welcome to discuss crap there, instead. Not that much discussion ever really happened here.

In the highly unlikely event that there're readers of this website that lurk around, please feel free to hop over to Rafters and join up. It's all good.

There's also the e-mail feature, for what it's worth.

Yep. Hooray for technology, hooray for unsolicited advertising.

EDIT: For the record, all the old comments still exist, they're just trapped inside a database somewhere in cyberspace until I can be arsed to filter anything useful out of them.

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Sunday, October 2nd, 2005   
Added another beverage review to the exotic beverage reviews archive thing. This time it's some insipid crud called "Wild NRG" that tastes like battery acid mixed with chocolate and pastry. And fruit. Yes.

I even have a few more EBR additions lined up for the coming weeks. Joy.

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All content is © Russ Gawthorpe, 2003 and all subsequent years, unless otherwise credited. The walrus has better things to do.

This page was generated in Swahili.

So. You're reading the bit at the bottom again. how about I suggest some things you could be doing instead? Then, when you get to the end of the paragraph, you can feel vaguely fulfilled and perhaps even go out and do one or all of them? Or you can just think "Hey, he's just knocking off ideas from Monkey Island!", but it's all good in the end. Anyhow, why not wash the car, or buy some groceries? Donate someone's body to science! Invent a new way to varnish wood! Learn a new language! Learn two new languages! Find some bugs! Then race 'em! Kill the losers.

This webpage best viewed with a monitor resolution of 9x2 and a depth of 12 fathoms. A web browser is recommended, but not entirely necessary.

Some random words to make the search engines freak out:
Saggitarius Stroodle! Garlic Mungbean! Serendipitous Tutu! Abnormal Finch! Mongbotty Organist! Sputnik Charmer! Lilliputian Spectator! Nipple Garnish! Splade Turnip! Funk Delicious! Gosling Batter! Chip Supreme! Retentive Scorpion! Sardine Wrangler! Aerodynamic Kumquat!