Here's the challenge. You must, repeat -must- lift something, without saying the word "Biscuits".

In his unending quest to plagiarise every single thing that stands as good and decent about the internet, Datazoid proudly ventures toward Chefelf's very own Extinct Beverage Museum. Besides, Datazoid is on a different continent. Datazoid has access to beverages Chefelf does not. Datazoid also speaks often in the third person, it seems. Anyhow. Fanfare ahoy!

Extinct Beverage Reviews

First, this:

A Mini-Encyclopedia
Here's a listing of the various shit they put in these drinks, what said shit is supposed to do for you - and wherever it's possible to find out - whether it actually does what it's meant to.

Energy Statistics:
The following chart lists the energy content of the reviewed drinks, along with a quick summary of their flavour. It's interesting to note that taste is immediately affected by the amount of energy-inclusive ingredients the makers stuff into the beverages. Vitamin B is the killer, really, as it tastes like shit and requires ridiculous amounts of strongly flavoured additives to mask it's horrid flavour. Coke and Pepsi are added as a benchmark.

Beverage: Energy content (per 100ml): Tastes:
Red Eye: Gold 63cal like Dettol.
Fanta Spider: Choc Orange 48cal really odd.
Pepsi Cola 47cal Pepsi.
Red Bull 46cal like vomit.
Schweppes Pink Lemonade 46cal like strawberry milk.
V 45.5cal really fruity.
Red Eye: Extreme 45cal quite pleasant.
Red Eye: Platinum 45cal pretty good.
Red Eye: Plus 45cal quite nice.
Coca Cola 43cal Coke.
Recharge by Sprite 42cal horrible.
Go Fast 37cal fucking vile.

Reviews so far:

Red Eye Extreme

Red Eye Platinum

Red Eye Plus

Red Eye Gold


Recharge by Sprite

Red Bull

Fanta Spider:
Choc Orange

Go Fast

Pink Lemonade
More to come.

Don't forget to visit the original Extinct Beverage Museum, or Chefelf will likely have my bollocks on a fork. They both thank you in advance.

All content is © Russ Gawthorpe, 2003 and all subsequent years, unless otherwise credited. The walrus is not your friend, despite what miek tells you.

This page was generated in the mucus of a gnat.

So. You're reading the bit at the bottom again. how about I suggest some things you could be doing instead? Then, when you get to the end of the paragraph, you can feel vaguely fulfilled and perhaps even go out and do one or all of them? Or you can just think "Hey, he's just knocking off ideas from Monkey Island!", but it's all good in the end. Anyhow, why not wash the car, or buy some groceries? Donate someone's body to science! Invent a new way to varnish wood! Learn a new language! Learn two new languages! Find some bugs! Then race 'em! Kill the losers.

Some random words to make the search engines freak out:
Sphagnum Grease! Nipples on tap! Parsley wedges! Sputnik Cheesecake! Leprosy on Toast! Cardboard Bollocks! Chutney On A Stick! Toilet Paper Sorbet! Exploding Frog! Brrt-Nyitnyit! Champion Glee! Spherical Dormouse!