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In his unending quest to plagiarise every single thing that stands as good and decent about the internet, Datazoid proudly ventures toward Chefelf's very own Extinct Beverage Museum. Besides, Datazoid is on a different continent. Datazoid has access to beverages Chefelf does not. Datazoid also speaks often in the third person, it seems. Anyhow. Fanfare ahoy!

Extinct Beverage Reviews

Beverage Title!

Red Eye: Platinum

Tagline: "Energy Drink with Attitude", also "7 g ingredients", which I assume alludes to the various chemicals starting with "g" mixed into it.
Manufacturer: RedEye International. Made in Australia.
Currently under construction.
Magical Contents: Ginger, gotu kola, ginseng, gingo biloba, guarana, grapeseed and green tea with a twist of lime are the seven "g" ingredients listed above. The latter one frightens me somewhat. It also includes all the usual chemicals you'd expect, like caffeine, taurine, niacin, vitamin B6 and B12, pantothenic acid, inositol and a wheelbarrow full of sugar. (Assuming you have a wheelbarrow the size of three teaspoons, anyway.)
Click here for information on these ingredients.
Medical Warnings: "Not recommended for children; and pregnant or lactating women; and individuals sensitive to caffeine. (Odd usage of semicolons preserved for posterity yet again.) Also, "CONTAINS CAFFEINE" is printed in a much larger typeface on these older bottles.
Volume: Bottle; 330ml.
Daily Dosage: "Consume no more than two bottles per day."
Nutritional Info: Plenty of sugar.

Ingredient Graph for idiots Amount per 100ml
Energy 45cal
Protein < 0.1g
Carbohydrates 11.3g
Sugars 11.0g
Sodium < 0.1mg
Chemicals Amount per 100ml
Caffeine 32mg
Taurine 18mg
Niacin 6mg
Vitamin B6 1.5mg
Pantothenic Acid 1.5mg
Inositol 15.2mg
Vitamin B12 1.5ug

Beverage Bottle, glass
Fear the blue voodoo eye.

To the eye:
It looks pretty much the same as all the other "mild" types of Red Eye. This particular bottle was slightly warmer than the optimal drinking temperature, resulting in the usual spray of tiny bubbles manifesting themselves as massive bubbles instead.

Beverage closeup
There are actually a lot more bubbles than it seems.

To the nose:
It smells strongly chemical, even to the extent of reminding me of a cleaning product. Like most Red Eye variations, there's a strong scent of sweetness, but it's hard to put a finger (or nostril) on what the actual smell is.

To the mouth:
It's sweet, and slightly fruity. Again, I can't define the actual fruit, but there's a definite fruitiness to it. Possibly peach or apricot, but without the furriness usually associated therewith. It should be noted that this stuff tastes quite vile when it's warm, quite akin to lawn clippings.

And a little while after:
Very little aftertaste. It has the same chemical-like residue that Red Eye Extreme displayed, but otherwise it's not totally unpleasant.

It's not unpleasant, really. It should be kept cold, however, as the taste it assumes when it warms up is quite sickening. At least it only tastes this way when it's warm, though. Most energy drinks taste like shredded lawn from the get-go.

One word summary*:

* Like I said, plagiarising everything.

All content is © Russ Gawthorpe, 2003 and all subsequent years, unless otherwise credited. So fuck you and your little dog too!

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So. You're reading the bit at the bottom again. how about I suggest some things you could be doing instead? Then, when you get to the end of the paragraph, you can feel vaguely fulfilled and perhaps even go out and do one or all of them? Or you can just think "Hey, he's just knocking off ideas from Monkey Island!", but it's all good in the end. Anyhow, why not wash the car, or buy some groceries? Donate someone's body to science! Invent a new way to varnish wood! Learn a new language! Learn two new languages! Find some bugs! Then race 'em! Kill the losers.

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