Steal her small wooden ball!

In his unending quest to plagiarise every single thing that stands as good and decent about the internet, Datazoid proudly ventures toward Chefelf's very own Extinct Beverage Museum. Besides, Datazoid is on a different continent. Datazoid has access to beverages Chefelf does not. Datazoid also speaks often in the third person, it seems. Anyhow. Fanfare ahoy!

Extinct Beverage Reviews

Beverage Title!

Red Eye: Gold

Tagline: "Energy Drink with Attitude", also "Guarana + B vitamins"
Manufacturer: RedEye International. Made in Australia.
Currently under construction.
Magical Contents: Pure spring water, natural amino acids, vitamins and Amazonian guarana.
Click here for information on these ingredients.
Medical Warnings: "Not recommended for children; and pregnant or lactating women; and individuals sensitive to caffeine. (Odd usage of semicolons preserved for posterity yet again.) Also, "CONTAINS CAFFEINE" is printed in a much larger typeface on these older bottles.
Volume: Bottle; 330ml.
Daily Dosage: "Consume no more than two bottles per day."
Nutritional Info: Contains more energy in calories than other drinks so far, and considerably more sugar and carbohydrates.

Ingredient Graph for idiots Amount per 100ml
Energy 63cal
Carbohydrates 15g
Sugars 14.7g
Chemicals Amount per 100ml
Caffeine 32mg
Taurine 30mg
Niacin 6mg
Vitamin B6 0.5mg
Pantothenic Acid 1.5mg

Beverage Bottle, glass
It's the colour of shit, too.

To the eye:
It looks like Coke, really. It's a little bit yellower and much less carbonated. Again, as in all Red Eye drinks, the carbonation vanishes once the cap is removed.

Beverage closeup
It's not as dark as this photo makes it look.

To the nose:
It smells vile. It smells like the aroma you get inside an Asian candy store, but where all the candy has spoiled. And mixed together. And it has a strong stink of medicine.

To the mouth:
It's ghastly. First sensation is a strong taste of berries, which continues in the aftertaste. On top of the berries are about fourteen layers of shit, including what tastes like I assume bathroom disinfectant would taste like, a strong dusty sensation and the usual vitamin B sensation, which is somewhat odd as this drink contains less vitamin B than the others, according to the label.. It made me cough, also. I was unable to take large sips, as the strength and horridness is quite overpowering. There's an odd medicinal sensation that goes straight up your nose when you drink it.

And a little while after:
Strong chemical aftertase. The odd medicinal scent/flavour that goes up your nose remains for an extraordinary length of time. Flavour of rotten celery from the B vitamins also remains. Oddly the initial flavour of the drink is completely gone within seconds.

It tastes like apple and blackcurrant juice with a quart of Dettol in it, sprinkled with rotten celery. It's fucking unpleasant.

One word summary*:

* Like I said, plagiarising everything.

All content is © Russ Gawthorpe, 2003 and all subsequent years, unless otherwise credited. Don't steal my shit.

This page was generated in the mucus of a gnat.

So. You're reading the bit at the bottom again. how about I suggest some things you could be doing instead? Then, when you get to the end of the paragraph, you can feel vaguely fulfilled and perhaps even go out and do one or all of them? Or you can just think "Hey, he's just knocking off ideas from Monkey Island!", but it's all good in the end. Anyhow, why not wash the car, or buy some groceries? Donate someone's body to science! Invent a new way to varnish wood! Learn a new language! Learn two new languages! Find some bugs! Then race 'em! Kill the losers.

Some random words to make the search engines freak out:
Sphagnum Grease! Nipples on tap! Parsley wedges! Sputnik Cheesecake! Leprosy on Toast! Cardboard Bollocks! Chutney On A Stick! Toilet Paper Sorbet! Exploding Frog! Brrt-Nyitnyit! Champion Glee! Spherical Dormouse!