"The Mutant Half Man Half Shark That Lurks in the Sewers"?
Quick Navigation:  
colonpipe.com home :: ozmidi Archive  
Rafters :: fraxyl Design :: Natch Comics  


In his unending quest to plagiarise every single thing that stands as good and decent about the internet, Datazoid proudly ventures toward Chefelf's very own Extinct Beverage Museum. Besides, Datazoid is on a different continent. Datazoid has access to beverages Chefelf does not. Datazoid also speaks often in the third person, it seems. Anyhow. Fanfare ahoy!

Indeed, Chefelf has already reviewed this drink, so you'd do well to peruse his opinion of it. Maybe after you peruse mine. But hey, it's up to you. There's no dictatorship here. Salut!


Extinct Beverage Reviews

Beverage Title!

Red Bull


Tagline: "Vitalizes Body and Mind"
Manufacturer: Red Bull GmbH, Austria. Yes, Austria.
Website: www.redbull.com, which features some rather propaganda-esque statistics and pages about the drink's alleged benefits.
Magical Contents: Taurine is pretty much the one that's bugled about the place. Also, presumably, the origin of the name Red Bull.
Click here for information on these ingredients.
Medical Warnings: "Contains caffeine. Not recommended for children, pregnant or lactating women or caffeine sensitive persons."
Volume: Can; 250ml.
Daily Dosage: "Usage: 2 cans max. daily. Pasteurised." Apparently the pasteurisation is worth mentioning at this point on the can's print, and no earlier.
Nutritional Info: The energy content is about the same as V, and it appears to contain a fairly massive amount of sodium.

Ingredient Graph for idiots Amount per 100ml
Energy 46cal
Carbohydrates 11.2g
Sugars 10.8g
Chemicals Amount per 100ml
Caffeine 32mg
Glucoronolactone 240mg
Taurine 400mg
Inositol 20mg
Niacinimide 8mg
Pantothenic Acid 2mg
Vitamin B6 2mg
Vitamin B12 2mg


Pass the pasteurisation, pastor:
It should be noted before going into depth about this particular beverage that it's pasteurised, which I've listed as an "ingredient" (even though it isn't) on the ingredients reference page. In short, this is the process they put milk through in order to remove the bits of random cow bacteria that they figure won't be compatible with bits of random human bacteria it's likely to encounter. IN SHORT, anyway. There's much more to it. But that's still enough to make me wonder what the sweet fucking Christ is in Red Bull (or moreso is no longer in Red Bull) that required a massive dairy process to remove. AND I CONSUMED THIS STUFF.

Beverage Bottle, glass
It looks quite beer-like.

To the eye:
It looks like beer, albeit a bit browner. It fizzes tremendously upon being opened, and forms a brief head atop the beverage.

Beverage closeup
Finally he figures out how to photograph drinks properly.

To the nose:
It smells like Combantrin liquid. So, rest assured that while Red Bull may not give you wings, per-se, it'll quite likely rid you of worms. Seriously, though, this stuff smells vaguely toxic.

To the mouth:
It tastes like vomit, really. Chefelf described it as bile, which is much of a muchness when it comes to internal fluids ejected orally. But yes. It's sickening. It tastes like a heavily carbonated combination of worming medicine and vomit. The reason this stuff initiates a gag reflex in me is, I fear, not due to its taste, but due to my body going "Hey, I know this flavour, it goes outward, not in!"

And a little while after:
The illusion of consuming spew continues in the aftertaste, which cannot be described more efficiently than "it tastes like you just blew chunks". And possibly attempted to wash your mouth out with worming medicine to remove the taste of expelled bile.

Overall:
It tastes like puke. With bubbles. And for some reason, I bought a four-pack of it.

4-pack
Barf x 4.

One word summary*:
Vomitilicious.

* Like I said, plagiarising everything.






All content is © Russ Gawthorpe, 2003 and all subsequent years, unless otherwise credited. Don't steal my shit.

This page was generated in your head.

So. You're reading the bit at the bottom again. how about I suggest some things you could be doing instead? Then, when you get to the end of the paragraph, you can feel vaguely fulfilled and perhaps even go out and do one or all of them? Or you can just think "Hey, he's just knocking off ideas from Monkey Island!", but it's all good in the end. Anyhow, why not wash the car, or buy some groceries? Donate someone's body to science! Invent a new way to varnish wood! Learn a new language! Learn two new languages! Find some bugs! Then race 'em! Kill the losers.

This webpage best viewed with a monitor resolution of 9x2 and a depth of 12 fathoms. A web browser is recommended, but not entirely necessary.

Some random words to make the search engines freak out:
Saggitarius Stroodle! Garlic Mungbean! Serendipitous Tutu! Abnormal Finch! Mongbotty Organist! Sputnik Charmer! Lilliputian Spectator! Nipple Garnish! Splade Turnip! Funk Delicious! Gosling Batter! Chip Supreme! Retentive Scorpion! Sardine Wrangler! Aerodynamic Kumquat!