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In his unending quest to plagiarise every single thing that stands as good and decent about the internet, Datazoid proudly ventures toward Chefelf's very own Extinct Beverage Museum. Besides, Datazoid is on a different continent. Datazoid has access to beverages Chefelf does not. Datazoid also speaks often in the third person, it seems. Anyhow. Fanfare ahoy!

Extinct Beverage Reviews

Beverage Title!

Go Fast

Tagline: "Pure Energy"
Manufacturer: Distributed by Go Fast Sports.
Website: http://www.gofastsports.com.au/
Bonus points for having a website that contains actual content. Bonus points immediately stricken for having a drink that TASTES LIKE SHIT.
Magical Contents: Australian honey, Siberian ginseng, taurine, vitamins B6 and B12, gingko biloba, guarana extract, and (wait for it)...milk thistle herb.
Click here for information on these ingredients.
Medical Warnings: "Not recommended for children; and pregnant or lactating women or caffeine sensitive persons." Warning that's noticably absent is the one stating "Do not drink if your tastes buds work, because you may wish they did not".
Volume: Can; 250ml.
Daily Dosage: "Maximum recommended intake: 1 can per day."
Nutritional Info: Contains less energy than even the Fanta Spider.

Ingredient Graph for idiots Amount per 100ml
Energy 37cal
Carbohydrates 9.3g
Sugars 8.5g
Chemicals Amount per 100ml
Caffeine 32mg
Taurine 407mg
Niacin 8.1mg
Vitamin B6 1.2mg
Pantothenic Acid 4.1mg
Inositol 10.2mg
Siberian Ginseng 101.6mg
Guarana extract 30.5mg
Gingko biloba extract 30.5mg
Milk thistle 20.3mg

Beverage Bottle, glass
This photo does not do this beverage justice.

To the eye:
It's slightly darker than beer, and not very fizzy. It's also kind of thick, I think. It seems thick, anyway.

Beverage closeup
Look! Chemical warfare!

To the nose:
It smells like that horrid mix of really cheap, slightly melted candy you always wind up with just after Christmas. A combination of all the sweets no one ever chooses first, the ones that wind up rotting away at the bottom of the Christmas stocking, eventually finding their own way out of their wrappings and mating with other sweeties to produce horrific, Godzilla-like sweetie creatures. This drink smells like a Godzilla-sweetie.

Beverage closeup
Milk thistle! A noxious weed, for the uninitiated.

To the mouth:

It's horrible.

I mean, just..fuck. It's indescribable.

However, I'm going to give it a shot.

The only flavour other than "GENGKnrwjlgbuigYFYTneCRYHJ!#798" that I can discern is that medicinal flavour that kind of tastes like plastic smells when it's been left in the sun until it's gone brittle and powdery. The rest of the drink (and I use the word "drink" with some hesitance) tastes entirely of rotting lawn clippings.

I propose a recipe:

2kg rotting lawn clippings
1L home brand cough medicine
500mL motor oil
Sprinkling of powdered, aged plastic
Carbonated water to taste


This stuff is fucking rancid.

And a little while after:
The only good thing I can find about this shit is that the flavour leaves you pretty quickly. Possibly because it's speedily replaced by the flavour of your stomach contents.

Vile disgusting horrid fucking shite.

One word summary*:

* Like I said, plagiarising everything.

All content is © Russ Gawthorpe, 2003 and all subsequent years, unless otherwise credited. The walrus is leaping about. This is frightening for all involved.

This page was generated in a fearsome gonad.

So. You're reading the bit at the bottom again. how about I suggest some things you could be doing instead? Then, when you get to the end of the paragraph, you can feel vaguely fulfilled and perhaps even go out and do one or all of them? Or you can just think "Hey, he's just knocking off ideas from Monkey Island!", but it's all good in the end. Anyhow, why not wash the car, or buy some groceries? Donate someone's body to science! Invent a new way to varnish wood! Learn a new language! Learn two new languages! Find some bugs! Then race 'em! Kill the losers.

This webpage best viewed with a monitor resolution of 9x2 and a depth of 12 fathoms. A web browser is recommended, but not entirely necessary.

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